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S2 - E11 - The Christmas Special (feat. Santa Claus)

December 18, 2023 Jack Jenkins and Henry Patterson Season 2 Episode 11
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Jack, Henry and Santa 🎅 say no more…

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Speaker 1:

Henry, christmas is approaching.

Speaker 2:

It certainly is Jack, and we are in a new studio. Today we are Our third in connono, our fourth, including five lakes. We're like Doctor who We've packed up and travelled elsewhere today. We certainly have, Jack. We're in our fourth ever studio.

Speaker 1:

I know it's basically just moving around. We are regenerating.

Speaker 2:

Yes, like the new.

Speaker 1:

Doctor who. Have you watched any of the new Doctor who? Yeah, I have. I watched the first one. What with the meep? The meep, yes.

Speaker 2:

You're a bit like the meep, aren't?

Speaker 1:

you.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I am actually. You are a little bit like the meep We've been cuddling and then and then, vicious after viciously attacking.

Speaker 1:

But there's enough about that now.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, it's freezing cold.

Speaker 1:

It is cold. We've tucked away in a small cupboard in a workshop very far north.

Speaker 2:

Very far north, polar-y north. We've done this whole thing before we have.

Speaker 1:

Let me just open the door and you can hear the wind and the snow just going to it's going to be back in the way it's just going to close the door because I don't want any of the snow to fall. But yes, you've guessed it, we are at the North Pole. And we've got a very special guest for you today.

Speaker 2:

We have. He is about to land on the roof, not in a helicopter.

Speaker 1:

No.

Speaker 2:

But in a sleigh.

Speaker 1:

Actually, here he comes, down the chimney now. Oh, here he comes.

Speaker 3:

Oh, oh, oh, Merry Christmas, oh, oh, oh, merry Christmas, oh oh, hello.

Speaker 1:

Hello, what do we have here? Do you enter every room like this?

Speaker 3:

Oh, absolutely. Yes, of course I do. Are you two my new elves?

Speaker 1:

We have been roped into helping out slightly. Henry attempted to make a small wagon. Yes, I, did.

Speaker 2:

It didn't go very well at all. No, wheels.

Speaker 3:

Oh dear, what is it? You've set up some microfoots. Do I speak into this thing here? Yeah, yeah, not too close.

Speaker 2:

A little bit further away.

Speaker 1:

How would you Sorry, before we do begin, how would you like us to refer to you Because obviously you've got Santa Claus, santa St Nicholas?

Speaker 3:

Father Christmas.

Speaker 1:

What was your preferred noun?

Speaker 3:

Well, I do like the big F. C Is quite good, but to be honest. Father Christmas, santa Claus, it's all right with me, kids.

Speaker 1:

I don't know if I the big F, c sounds like some sort of rap name.

Speaker 3:

Oh, yes, well, I have been known to rap a few presents in my time. Oh, oh, oh, very good Very.

Speaker 2:

This is going to be a long interview. Well, thank you for joining us. Father Christmas, it's a pleasure to be here.

Speaker 1:

We know I'd like to say you're busy this time of year, but it looks like you don't actually do any of the work. You get everyone else to do it for you.

Speaker 3:

Oh, no, no, no, I see, well, at this time of the year you'll see Mrs Claus, she's got the list you must have heard of the naughty list and the nice list and to make sure everything's okay. Then obviously we've got the head elves, we've got Cheryl the head elf and everyone else. All very, very busy. So basically, I just Well, maybe like you two and Potters, I just sit back and just have a drink, really.

Speaker 1:

That's precisely what we do. It's like he knows.

Speaker 2:

Well, he knows when you're sleeping and when you're awake. I do. I know everything. Well, what I'm curious to know this year, which list has been the most popular? You know what's kind of outweighing. Is it the naughty list or the nice list this year?

Speaker 3:

Oh Henry, what a wonderful question. Well, I'm afraid it's quite sad to say that, even though I do believe in the power of kindness and people, especially YouTube boys from Potters Resort. Is that right?

Speaker 2:

Yes, on scene.

Speaker 3:

Yes, number one podcast Number two podcast. Oh, sorry about that. I believe you have more naughty people this year at Hopton. Yes, On scene On scene On scene, at the scene, yes.

Speaker 1:

Obviously, here at the workshop there's not this all-inclusive menu, but what drink have you chosen today?

Speaker 3:

Well, I mean, I'm sorry to say it has to be just a small glass of sherry. Yes, it is. It's rather warm. It warms you up because it is rather cold here at the North Pole and when I'm busy flying around. Yes, just a small sherry, all-inclusive. You say so I can have more than one.

Speaker 1:

Yes On that question. Actually, would you say and I think people want to know this would you say you might have a bit of a drink problem Only because I've heard that a lot of people do leave out glasses of sherry. That's a lot to go through in one night.

Speaker 3:

Yes, yes, yes. Well, the only problem is there is a small glass. You see, very good, very good yes.

Speaker 1:

Well, good, you've only just got a small tipple with you now, right?

Speaker 3:

Yes, yes, yes, I also have a flask here of hot teabed, but don't look inside, boys, just in case it could be something else you know.

Speaker 2:

We can smell it from here. Wonderful, wonderful, yes, yes, Look, you visit per year 396 million houses.

Speaker 3:

Yes, that's a bad one. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Speaker 2:

So that's 396 million glasses of alcohol that you consume in one evening.

Speaker 1:

I'm assuming everyone puts one out for you.

Speaker 3:

Yes, yes, yes.

Speaker 2:

But let's average it out at 200 million. Okay, how are you successfully flying your sleigh and responsible for the lives of many reindeer elves and houses and people's property?

Speaker 3:

Well, first of all, if I may say one thing, and that what was the average? Again, did you say? Let's say 200 million glasses that is about, I would say, one weekend's worth of consumed alcohol per person at Potter's, Hopton-On-Sea all inclusive. Do we agree, boys?

Speaker 2:

You're not wrong there.

Speaker 3:

To answer your point, it is not me, you see, that does the driving. Of course, I have on Dasha Dancer Prancer, vixen, comet, cupid, dona Blitzen and, let's not forget, rudolph himself here does all the work. I just sit back and relax.

Speaker 2:

That's one of the Remember all those names?

Speaker 1:

Do you have to list them all every time you reference them?

Speaker 3:

No, no, no, Of course that I can. For example, I could just say Dasha, dancer, prancer, vixen, comet, cupid, dona, blitzen and Rudolph.

Speaker 2:

It's amazing that they're all in the same order every time.

Speaker 3:

Yes, yes, well, I can mix them up for you.

Speaker 1:

That's the order that they are in the sleigh, isn't it?

Speaker 3:

Yes, yes, yes, of course, of course. We have Rudolph always at the front, dancer, prancer Dasha, vixen, comet, cupid, blitzen and Dona, and, yes, all the rest are behind this.

Speaker 2:

Where did you?

Speaker 3:

find your reindeer. What did I find the reindeer? Oh, they were a lovely gift to me. Yes, many moons ago. From who? From JP, like I would be, fc JP, john Potter himself.

Speaker 2:

Yes, John Potter got you gifts of reindeer.

Speaker 3:

Wonderful. They used to have stables, don't you know?

Speaker 1:

Well, at least we can guarantee that the responsibility falls mainly on the reindeer for keeping you safe in the evening.

Speaker 3:

Yes, absolutely, and they thank you for all of the carrots as well.

Speaker 1:

yes, so are you saying that you spend the rest of the year sort of recovering from a bit of a Christmas hangover?

Speaker 3:

Well, you see, I do need to get ready, but I also yes, you are absolutely right, I do enjoy a good holiday.

Speaker 1:

Where's your favourite place to go on holiday?

Speaker 3:

Well, let me think about this.

Speaker 1:

There is a right and wrong answer to this.

Speaker 3:

Oh, and there's two resorts in particular. Of course, you have the four-part, the five legs. Five legs is rather good, and Hopton on the sea as well.

Speaker 1:

yes, and have you got like, obviously, five legs, known for its gulf as well. Are you much of a golfer?

Speaker 3:

Oh, yes, I do like the odd golfing now and again. Yes, but do remember to take a second pair of trousers with you. Why? Well, just in case you get a hole in one. Very good, I read that on a Christmas cracker, don't you know?

Speaker 1:

I was about to say did you get that from a Christmas cracker?

Speaker 3:

Of course I did yes.

Speaker 2:

Now, you've been doing this job now for quite some time. How did you get into it?

Speaker 3:

Yes, wonderful. Well, as you may know, a lot of the Christmas films, some are correct and some are not, and it's simply handed down through generations and generations. And I must admit I'm getting rather old now. So I will be looking to find an heir or someone, or maybe I will just gift it to someone at Potters. If anyone fancies the job, dude, let me know. Can they email in or something like that, or Fax Machine.

Speaker 1:

I'm going to put it out there it's not going to be Henry, because he hates children.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it definitely can't be me, oh, ok.

Speaker 3:

Well, henry, I do remember you as a little lad, and you were a wonderful little thing, do you?

Speaker 2:

remember me.

Speaker 3:

Of course I do. I remember each and every boy and girl and I also remember, Henry, every single gift and present. You used to write on ink and parchment paper and lovely cursive writing that is Henry for you. Yes, and pop me a letter in the post and I read every single one of them.

Speaker 2:

We don't need to go into those gifts. I think we do no.

Speaker 1:

Santa. What were some of those gifts?

Speaker 3:

Well, henry, I do remember one, let me see. You were about five years young and you asked for a Roxy outfit from Chicago.

Speaker 1:

I'm going to stop you there for a second, a Roxy outfit from Chicago.

Speaker 2:

Yep. Well as in the name, when everybody slips is going to be Roxy.

Speaker 1:

Roxy A Roxy outfit. Did he get that for Christmas?

Speaker 3:

Oh, of course, along with a Joseph one as well.

Speaker 2:

Yes, a Joseph dream coat. Was it a coat of many colors? It was a coat of many colors. Some have said it was actually the same coat worn by Brian Graves.

Speaker 1:

And how old were you? And what was your favorite one of the two? What did you wear most often?

Speaker 2:

Probably the Roxy outfit yeah.

Speaker 1:

And things haven't really changed for you, have they? No, no, they haven't. What other gifts, santa? What other gifts did you get, henry? Oh?

Speaker 3:

let me think. Well, the following year, I believe you would have then been six years young. You asked Now, may I say, not many children ever put it quite like this but you wanted some Egyptian cotton sheets set for your lovely beddie buys. Do you remember that, henry? Yes, I did. How old were you? Six?

Speaker 1:

Six.

Speaker 2:

That is.

Speaker 1:

Please, Santa, can I have some Egyptian cotton sheets?

Speaker 2:

I did in fact ask for that. Yes, I did. How many?

Speaker 1:

children seriously asked for Egyptian cotton sheets.

Speaker 2:

One definitely, Although my relationship with you has always been varied, you know.

Speaker 3:

Varied.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, because there have been times where we haven't exactly seen eye to eye.

Speaker 1:

What a surprise to everyone that Henry doesn't see eye to eye to someone.

Speaker 3:

Well, well, henry, I do. Maybe do you know what it could have been. It could have been your wonderful parents. They did say that they might do something if you weren't that good. And 10 days following Christmas, what would happen, henry?

Speaker 2:

You would come back down the chimney and take the presents away if I wasn't well behaved.

Speaker 1:

Did that ever happen?

Speaker 2:

Not all of them.

Speaker 1:

What.

Speaker 3:

All.

Speaker 2:

You did get me an iPad once, yes the iPad.

Speaker 3:

I do remember this, when I was seven.

Speaker 2:

Yes, you got me one of the first generation iPads and then, two days later, my parents sold it.

Speaker 1:

What? They sold it after Santa. So basically they profited. Yes, santa got you a gift. You were naughty.

Speaker 2:

Very, very badly behaved.

Speaker 1:

And then Mummy profited from it.

Speaker 2:

She put it on eBay, well, and it was gone.

Speaker 3:

Oh dear, oh dear. Well in your defence. Henry, you did rather become a good child again, Because when you were nine years young, you decided to do something wonderful for all of your family.

Speaker 1:

Two years to get there then.

Speaker 3:

Oh well, yes, yes, yes, and maybe this is what a gateway into performing and hosting you hosted. Am I right in saying this? I'm a celebrity trial, Is that right?

Speaker 2:

Henry, that is correct.

Speaker 3:

yes, how did he know he said it? What was he saying about it? Well, I, is it not?

Speaker 2:

weird. This is a bit weird. He does know everything about me. I, yeah, I hosted, and I'm a celebrity. Get me out of here. Bush took a trial for all of my family in the house, where we went and bought disgusting things, very disgusting things, and insects, and blended them into smoothies and everyone in my family had to join in. It was compulsory to win stars, basically no reason whatsoever. And then it got to my turn and I said no, I'm hosting it, why not? I drink now. It's disgusting.

Speaker 1:

I feel like we've talked about this on the podcast before, haven't we? But I bet, of course he rebelled even then. He was doing something nice, but he went. No, I'm not going to do that.

Speaker 3:

Yes, absolutely. And, if I may, just for a second, because I do have a few more naughty-list questions for you, henry. But first of all, let's talk to Jack the lovely. I feel like I'm taking over the podcast now. The lovely Jack is such a good boy when he was young. Well was it? Sometimes you were called the boy, is that right, jack?

Speaker 2:

Sometimes yes, yeah the insignificant, vague name.

Speaker 1:

Very loving nickname, just the boy, the boy.

Speaker 3:

Yes, rather rather. And you asked for what did you ask for? Oh, you asked for some Legos. Is that right? Yes, I did yes, and was it? I believe, the Star Wars, the, what were they called? The bird, the Falcon thing?

Speaker 1:

I thought like a Millennium Falcon. Yeah, I did get that for Christmas one year.

Speaker 3:

yes, Wonderful, and you also like to dress up, or so, is that right?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, not in any dresses or anything. No, no, no, it was your favourite superhero?

Speaker 3:

Who is that? It was Batman. Yes, it was indeed. And you had the bat belt and everything. It did have a belt, yeah, and you had a big torch that you shined up to the sky and annoyed all of your neighbours Very worried when our senses was going.

Speaker 1:

I used to go around Morrison's dresses, Batman, sometimes.

Speaker 2:

Did you?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I was very young at the time. Only I once went to Sixth-Energy dresses. As Ariel, Did you just sit in the fish counter? I should have done that. Just gone and laid across the ice. They lay all the salmon. Sing part of this world.

Speaker 3:

And also you did rather work partial. You asked for lots of James Bond-type gifts as well.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I think I don't know if it was Christmas or not, but I did dress up in a little tuxedo, pretend I was James Bond. I think I did that once from off today at school, were you not, like I don't know, one of the Bond?

Speaker 2:

cars instead. No, I once for my Was it James Bond? Yeah, I think it was. My uncle was getting me into James Bond, so I went in a suit with little water pistol.

Speaker 1:

Yes, that's what I had, a little yeah like a young Mark Brewer yeah.

Speaker 2:

Sorry, father, crit Speak of what Octopussy?

Speaker 1:

Yes Is that your favourite Bond film. Well, that was a Bond girl, wasn't it? No, that was the name of the yeah, actually no. That was the name of the woman in it actually no that was Pussy. Galore. No, no, no, you're thinking of Goldfinger, and, yes, pussy Galore in it, but Octopussy there is Is the one with Roger Moore, and Octopussy is actually a character as well.

Speaker 2:

So the question is Santa Claus Octopussy or Pussy Galore, which is more popular?

Speaker 3:

Oh well, I think Pussy Galore, yes, definitely definitely more popular.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, Wonderful, wonderful stuff. Good, yeah, yeah. Speaking of Mark Brewer, now we're going to get on to a this subject. I'll match it a little bit later on, but let's just fast-track. Mark. What was Mark Brewer like as a young boy, Many, many, many years ago?

Speaker 3:

Oh, I was going to say this, tried to jog my memory. Now it was quite a while ago, a couple of Couple of decades, let's say.

Speaker 1:

but he was rather Well.

Speaker 3:

He was the class clown, let's be honest with you. Yes, he was indeed Always getting into trouble. Yes, that one, yes, but he asked for simple things back then?

Speaker 2:

Well, of course, because what kind of toys were popular in Victoria and England?

Speaker 3:

Yes, well, the stick and the hoop. Do you all remember that you hit a hoop with a sticker down the road?

Speaker 2:

Yes, of course the wheel was fresh out of production as well, wasn't it?

Speaker 3:

Yes, yes, I believe he knew someone who just invented that and he had a top that he liked to spin as well with a bit of a string, and that was good.

Speaker 2:

yes, that's good. No, that's great. And did he get those toys? But was it? Was he on the good list?

Speaker 3:

He was rather on the good list. Yes, so he did. He did get the stick, Absolutely yes, and I think, I think what really helped him become the wonderful, fantastic performer that he is now was what was that? He had not much technology then, you see. So all he had was him and his thoughts to play with and his big imagination, and that created a superstar we see today.

Speaker 2:

Has he paid you to say that?

Speaker 1:

Yes, well, at least you're honest, santa. Talking of the good and the good list, the naughty list, we said earlier that there's quite a few people on the naughty list this year. Are we allowed to take a peek at this list?

Speaker 3:

Absolutely Well, on one condition. What was that? I at least reference two naughty things you boys may have done. Is that fair?

Speaker 1:

Oh, here's naughty things we've done this year.

Speaker 3:

So if I would say to Henry say something about Christmas dinner and a fire.

Speaker 2:

Oh, yes, what happened? Well, this is going back a couple of years actually, santa. There was a candelabra on our Christmas spread and, as my dad was carving the turkey, he lent over and whilst setting the table, the candelabra must have been placed a little bit too close to the turkey and suddenly his hair caught on fire and we all sat and laughed very much whilst he tried to extinguish his head and he was making sounds of you know fire like.

Speaker 1:

It also sounds like you're smothering with a pillow at the same time.

Speaker 2:

No, that's just how my dad sounds.

Speaker 3:

A good way to put out the fire, though, was smothering it. Yes, it could be.

Speaker 1:

Yes.

Speaker 2:

And he did do that.

Speaker 1:

How did the fire go out in the?

Speaker 2:

end. Well, he just kind of patted his head with a paper crown.

Speaker 1:

With a paper crown.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and then it just there's a horrible smell. Yeah, burning hair is horrible, have you?

Speaker 1:

smelled that before. Yeah, where, if you catch arm hairs or something like that in front of you? When have you done that? I can't think of a specific time, but yeah, have you ever set yourself on fire? Oh, that's a rather good question. I mean, you're always going down chimneys, so if the chimney is on or you know a lit, yes, that is.

Speaker 3:

That's a rather good point and, to be honest, I used to visit Henry. It was quite difficult because he had so many different chimneys growing up. I could remember which one to go down. You see, is it the East Wing or the West Wing? Very tricky. Now, talking of naughty things, jack, what happened to you? And some stinging nettles?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I once was having a disagreement with another child in the alleyway behind our house. He pushed me, I pushed him, he lost his footing and fell into some stinging nettles Head to toe he was stung.

Speaker 2:

How'd you believe you're single?

Speaker 1:

Yes, well, it wasn't a female.

Speaker 2:

No, I know, but if a female saw you do that.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I mean, I was very, I was like five.

Speaker 2:

I once chased Aletheia with some stinging nettles.

Speaker 1:

To surprise why you're single.

Speaker 2:

Like, basically, there was this girl called Aletheia at school when I was like four or five and I liked Aletheia quite a bit.

Speaker 1:

Surprised to us all.

Speaker 3:

Are you saying alo-thera?

Speaker 2:

No, Aletheia. Oh sorry, sorry, we just called her Thea.

Speaker 1:

Is that not like a cockney just saying hello to Thea? Alo-thea.

Speaker 2:

But I had my raincoat on so I wasn't being stung, but instead I chased her with nettles to try and get her attention.

Speaker 1:

Yes, and did you ever get a date with her?

Speaker 2:

No no.

Speaker 1:

Oh dear.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, that's a sad story.

Speaker 1:

How is Mrs Claus?

Speaker 3:

Oh, she's wonderful this time of the year A little bit stressed, I must admit, because of course it is the chrono-pse Christmas. All I say is calm down, dear, Everything will be OK. Go put your feet up and watch some TV.

Speaker 2:

What's the best part of your job?

Speaker 3:

Oh, good question. The best part of my job is to see all of the boys and girls on Christmas Day, once they've unwrapped all of their presents, turn around to their family, give them a nice big hug and they can enjoy. Maybe they're at home, maybe they've embraced and they're at Potter's Resort, hopped in upon the ocean and had a wonderful time ready for a Christmas dinner. Yes, my favourite top art of the job.

Speaker 1:

Lovely. Well, let's go back to the naughty and nice list thing, because I think we moved away far too quickly, because I'm intrigued. I'm intrigued to know where Brian is. Which list is Brian on? We all want to know.

Speaker 3:

Oh, sorry, just to have a little bit more sherry. Just a cup of tea. Yes, of course it's cold today, brian. Brian, let me have a thing To be perfectly honest with you. He's on the naughty list. Yes, absolutely the naughty list.

Speaker 1:

Yes, Brian.

Speaker 3:

Why, why? Oh, because of just some of the things he does and says and is, and is not.

Speaker 1:

What is Brian?

Speaker 3:

What is he not? Well, that is a good question. What is Brian Tighten, the podcast there? I still don't know to this day. What is Brian? We love Brian.

Speaker 2:

We love Brian. What about Rachel? Rachel Bady? Oh, Rachel.

Speaker 3:

Oh, I see. Well, she's been here a long, long time and I think she's definitely on the nice list. Yes, absolutely. What was that? Oh, because she's. She has joy in her heart and a love for all and what she does. Sometimes, if I may say, when she does a quiz, she doesn't bother giving bottles out as prizes. She saves them from that notion, yes, and just says give everyone a nice big hug and that is enough.

Speaker 1:

That's beautiful. That sounds like her. What about Faye?

Speaker 3:

Faye, oh Faye. Well, I must admit, faye is definitely, especially this year. She's on the naughty list. Absolutely Pregnant Faye.

Speaker 2:

Pregnant Faye, who I accidentally called a pug on stage yesterday. Bit much yeah.

Speaker 1:

Why did you call her a pug? I?

Speaker 2:

just thought she looked like a pug and like the nicest way possible, like a nice pug.

Speaker 1:

Well, we know who's on the naughty list ever in that corner.

Speaker 3:

Oh dear. Well, anyway, it's the eyes Faye's eyes.

Speaker 1:

They're too close. That's why she's on the naughty list Like a pug.

Speaker 3:

Yes, May I ask what you think the prediction for the human baby child's name may be boys.

Speaker 2:

I'm thinking Henry.

Speaker 1:

Strong, strong choice. No, I think that's a terrible name for a child.

Speaker 2:

That's a good name. What about Zack Paterson?

Speaker 3:

Yes, oh, zack Paterson, Is he your boss?

Speaker 1:

Yes.

Speaker 3:

Lovely, lovely. Well, I must say he is definitely on the naughty list.

Speaker 2:

We do agree. Why is that?

Speaker 3:

Yes. Well, you see he does like to stir the pot a bit. I say yes, yes, yes. You should hear what he says about you, oh dear. Yes, he likes to go around and whisper sweet nothings and peepers ears. I hear yes, yes.

Speaker 2:

Yes, do you remember the time that he bought two sets of yellow coloured raffle tickets for the street fair?

Speaker 3:

Oh, he absolutely ruined the day, ruined the day, he did yes.

Speaker 1:

Let's go for what about? What about Mike Scott, our Managing Director and Producer of the podcast?

Speaker 3:

Oh, the wonderful Michael Scotches. I remember him when he was a little lad and he's definitely on the nice list.

Speaker 1:

It's not very nice to us. No.

Speaker 3:

Well, the reason why I would say he's on the nice list is all the extracurricular activities he does. That's not part of his job. He likes to help, support and promote young whippersnappers just like yourselves, and do wonderful things this magic technology of the podcast and things. So be it, that's very true.

Speaker 1:

What about Henry Patterson?

Speaker 3:

Oh well, you see, with, with with you two here, I do believe now. Now, forgive me, mrs Claus does love a good podcast and she does play the number two. The number two podcasts are from Hopton in the Ocean, quite a lot, and so I do hear you two boys in the background of my study, and I believe you do. A section, is that right, called Naughty Things. You've Done Something Like that.

Speaker 2:

Things we Got Told Off For this.

Speaker 3:

Week yes, and unfortunately for Henry, that list is rather long. It does make my job rather easier. So I'm afraid, henry, to say you are at this moment on the naughty list. What do you have to say for yourself?

Speaker 1:

He was falling asleep while you were talking, so I think that says it all. What about me Santa? What about me big FC?

Speaker 3:

Oh, yes. Well, you see, now the thing is with you, jack. I do believe nothing is your fault. I do believe you are completely led astray by Henry. Everyone could see it, but you are still on the naughty list for getting his own ways. He gets in your head and you do all these naughty little things.

Speaker 1:

I completely disagree with all of that, but yes.

Speaker 2:

Is it my fault for buying Jack the Solero, which we both ate, during Street Fair and got told off for doing that?

Speaker 1:

Yes, that is true actually.

Speaker 2:

What did you think about that particular incident? Do you think that all of the stools had been allocated, so it was acceptable for us to do nothing and eat an ice cream while everyone else was working? Because I think that's fine.

Speaker 3:

Well, yes, absolutely. You say every store was covered. Yes, Well, if you say, if I was to go in my workshop and I was to see all the elves busy working really hard on all of the belts and things, and then there was a few elves with nothing to do, of course YouTube boys worked so hard throughout the year. There's nothing wrong with a little Solario snack, nothing wrong with that at all. So if anyone has any problem, you tell them to ride to the big old FC and I will put them in their place.

Speaker 1:

Yes. Two things then To our listeners, to the board members which list do you think Henry and I are on? Do you think we are on the naughty list or the nice list? Maybe? Maybe write in some comments on Facebook whether you think we're on the naughty list, on the nice list, maybe give us what you think everyone we've listed so far is on, whether the likes of JoBee and Beth and Matty and Twitch. Do you think they're on the nice list or the naughty list? Give us your nice and naughty lists, because I think that would be really interesting to read people's directions.

Speaker 2:

That would be very interesting.

Speaker 1:

Also. So, santa, you said that me and Henry were on the naughty list. Yes, what do we need to do to get back onto the nice list, the good list, before Christmas?

Speaker 3:

To be honest with you, one thing you may be want to look at is maybe you know helping others Kindness comes from helping others. Maybe giving to charity might be an option. Maybe you can raise some money before you're of a certain age, or something that may get you onto the nice list.

Speaker 1:

Have you been on social media lately, Santa? Absolutely not.

Speaker 2:

I think we're good for next year, or Jack certainly is.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, why is that?

Speaker 2:

He's getting his face on a car.

Speaker 1:

Potentially if we raise the money. So we've been doing this challenge for Christmas, Before my 30th birthday, I have to try and raise £30,000 for the Norfolk Accident Rescue Service.

Speaker 3:

Oh, wonderful.

Speaker 1:

Wonderful, all the volunteer first responders. I had my first challenge last week where, henry? What did you arrange for me, henry? This is all a surprise that I turned up on the day.

Speaker 2:

I arranged for Jack to go and basically do a North Sea Training course, where A?

Speaker 3:

North Sea Training course.

Speaker 2:

Precisely there, north Sea.

Speaker 3:

Oh, sorry, sorry.

Speaker 2:

That's next week, what the North Sea Training course is next week. But the North Sea Training course involves Jack, first year to climb a ladder.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it was very scary, one foot in front of the other.

Speaker 2:

And then Lots of clips, but then after that that was just the kind of can of pay to the main course. He then got thrown, launched into a pool, a freezing ice cold pool.

Speaker 1:

It was horrendous.

Speaker 2:

That. Then the wave machines turned on and an entire storm built around it. It was a storm, rain, wind, thunder and lightning.

Speaker 1:

In a cold pool.

Speaker 2:

In a freezing cold pool.

Speaker 1:

Oh dear, I had to swim from one end to the other.

Speaker 2:

He had to get into a life raft. He had to paddle for his life.

Speaker 1:

I had to climb some rigging which I don't really know why I did that.

Speaker 2:

I'm not a pirate Just in case of passing ship.

Speaker 1:

Yes, and threw some rigging at me. And did you survive? Just about. The toughest bit about that entire thing was I had to climb into a life raft after swimming around and then I had to paddle with what can only be described as a teaspoon. It wasn't an all, it was a teaspoon. I had to paddle with all of my might to get the raft from one end of the pool to the other and as much as I tried I could barely get anywhere. But I started making some progress. And then they turned on the weather, all of the weather. What it was? A storm. They put the wind machine up to the wax, not the wax. They put the waves machine up to the max, they made it rain, they made it dark and flashing lights and Henry and Mike Scott laughed at me.

Speaker 3:

Oh dear, Did you have a slurry at the time?

Speaker 2:

Not at that time. You would have loved one though, wouldn't you?

Speaker 1:

No, it would have been lovely actually, but I did it Still very tired for it.

Speaker 2:

How are your muscles feeling? They're not that bad actually.

Speaker 1:

They're not that bad. I bet they're just tired. So does that put me back on the nice list?

Speaker 3:

Then yes, you are definitely on the nice list.

Speaker 1:

Apart from Henry. Yes, you are.

Speaker 3:

Henry is still on the naughty list, unless the potter's guests can convince me otherwise.

Speaker 2:

Please do what you can post saying Henry is nice.

Speaker 1:

No again, I think. Give us your rank. Give us your naughty and nice list Rank us. For all potter's staff, naughty or nice. We want to hear your opinions on everyone. Big question for you, just because what do you think of the environment?

Speaker 3:

I think it's wonderful.

Speaker 1:

I think we should keep it. Do you see much sort of global warming at the North Pole? Because my question is obviously the children on the naughty list. Do they still get a lump of coal?

Speaker 3:

That? Do you know what? That is a rather excellent question. We are talking about me and Gerald the head elf. We are talking about replacing the lump of coal with a single 9-volt battery.

Speaker 1:

You're going green. Are they rechargeable batteries?

Speaker 2:

Are they going to get?

Speaker 3:

a wind turbine instead, Possibly? Yes, We'll start off small, so no coal with a simple 9-volt battery. And remember, boys, don't lick it now.

Speaker 1:

Talking of gifts as well, not just lumps of coal and things like that. We've actually been given some gifts through some guests, and we always like to do a part of the podcast, a feature that we like to call Gratitude Corner. Now, first off, Lynn Hawker has given us some gifts. Yes, she gave me a chocolate orange yesterday and she's given me a chocolate orange as well, Got a little chocolate orange sock over it in the shape of a Christmas tree. So thank you.

Speaker 2:

Like a tea cozy.

Speaker 1:

And we've got a little Christmas tree for our studio here. Look at that. Do you want to place?

Speaker 3:

that? What if there's a little pine?

Speaker 1:

cone there, yes, dressed up as a Christmas tree, and because last time she was here our racing machine went down. So we've got little penguin racing things, little crackers Wow, that, if you place the penguins down and you race them on little coals, that's pretty cool. That is really cool, isn't it? So thank you, lynn, we're grateful for you. Thank you, we also had Lisa on resort.

Speaker 2:

We did? Oh yes, I've not opened this, yet this is to Henry Love from Lisa. Thank you, lisa. I saw Lisa at the one night only performance of Diana the Musical.

Speaker 1:

How is that, Henry?

Speaker 2:

We don't want to talk about that.

Speaker 1:

Look at oh wow, this is. This is so cool. It's like a little, it's a little miniature me and you, that's oh Leo so lifelike. It's a little. It's a little mini me.

Speaker 2:

I've got no nose.

Speaker 1:

I look like Noel Edmonds. Oh, I'm wearing a high vis. I love it. I love this. Look how great this is sitting next to our Christmas tree, lisa, thank you for our fabby, dabby dolls Hashtag totally fabby.

Speaker 2:

We're grateful for you.

Speaker 3:

We're so grateful for you.

Speaker 1:

Shall, we play a game now, centre. I think it's lovely to play a game and we get all of our guests to play a game.

Speaker 3:

Oh yes, may I have my drink? Of course you can my tea, it's just tea.

Speaker 1:

This is a small game. We like to play the ABC quiz, which stands for anything but Christmas. All correct, but it could work in this instance. Oh, you have. Oh, how many seconds do we use in this case?

Speaker 2:

You're 48 seconds on the clock to answer as many questions as possible, but they all have to be wrong answers, so we'll ask you a question. If we were to say what colour is the sky, you could say red.

Speaker 3:

Okay, red red sky at night, shepherd's delight. Yes, wonderful, correct answer there. Yes, Precisely.

Speaker 1:

Are you ready to get all your answers wrong?

Speaker 3:

Erm, I think I understand the premise. Oh, I do love a good game of Christmas.

Speaker 1:

Here we go, then centre. You've got 48 seconds on the clock to get all of your questions wrong. The time starts now. What is your name?

Speaker 3:

My name is Big FC. People call me as Father.

Speaker 1:

Christmas. Oh, I'm going to stop the clock. Sorry, I don't know if we explained that. Probably you've got to just get incorrect answers every time.

Speaker 3:

Oh, I have to find the incorrect answers.

Speaker 1:

So, for example, if he said what colour is the sky, you would say I would say the sky is blue.

Speaker 3:

Do I get multiple choice? Oh, you said it was red earlier. I'm so sorry. I remember now yes, incorrect answer.

Speaker 1:

So if you would say what colour is the grass, you would say Red.

Speaker 3:

Like the sky.

Speaker 1:

yes, Shall we try again.

Speaker 3:

Um, okay, yeah, no, because the answer should be yes, I'm going to say no. Haha, you can't trick old me, no, Um?

Speaker 1:

I think we should give him some answers, because he is hundreds of years old.

Speaker 2:

And staggeringly drunk.

Speaker 1:

What? Here we go 48 seconds. Start Now. What is your name, father Chris? So I'm going to stop the clock and start again, because you, um, unfortunately took another sip of brandy as we were asking the first person it's been about with Johnny Mack. Cup of tea. Cup of tea. Yes, so your 48 seconds for the third time. Start now. What is your?

Speaker 3:

name.

Speaker 1:

Henry Patterson. It's the most wonderful time of the what.

Speaker 3:

What Uh now?

Speaker 1:

What do you climb down on Christmas Eve? Well, all of it really yes, what do you climb down specifically?

Speaker 3:

Uh, specifically, I will. Uh uh, rudolph, dacia, danta, prancer, vixen, comet, cupid, donna and Police, what's?

Speaker 1:

an immense pie.

Speaker 3:

Oh, it's a. It's Grandma's secret recipe, I'm afraid. What colour is Rudolph's nose? It's red, so I can see the night sky clearly. Right where do you live? I will, I will right here in the North Pole, of course.

Speaker 1:

Okay, but you were supposed to get questions wrong.

Speaker 3:

Oh, yes, of course I am. Yes, not. I live not here, not in the North Pole. Where do you keep your presents? Ah, that would be telling another Grandma's secret recipe. Now, king Henry VIII. Oh, sorry, you didn't ask anything.

Speaker 1:

What date is Christmas?

Speaker 3:

Day, ah, the date, uh, because it's Jesus' birthday.

Speaker 1:

Um, okay, I'm just going to keep going for a bit. What animal pulls the sleigh?

Speaker 3:

Oh the lovely. I can, the puffin. I can see in front of me lovely puffins who was born on Christmas Day. I'm getting better at this now, aren't I, the puffin again?

Speaker 1:

Right. And what did the? What gifts did the wise?

Speaker 3:

men Puffin.

Speaker 1:

What gifts did the wise men bring Jesus up with? On a puffin.

Speaker 3:

Oh no, I was in one puffin, three puffins.

Speaker 1:

How am I doing? What do you keep in your sack?

Speaker 3:

Oh dear um I uh. What can I see in front of me here? A table and a microphone.

Speaker 1:

Thank you, Santa. Did I do well, no, no, well, um, I gave you more than 48 seconds, but only because I felt like you completely did not grasp the rules of the game.

Speaker 3:

No, I do find it tricky sometimes, but I had my left hand unread the whole time.

Speaker 2:

Good Well, santa, you answered 13 questions Wonderful. Yeah, so your name Henry Paterson. I can give you a point for that.

Speaker 3:

Thank, you very much.

Speaker 2:

Thank you very much, because that is not your name. It's the most wonderful time of the now.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3:

I don't. I, it's subjective boys. Do you think right now is the most wonderful time? If you say no, I get the point no.

Speaker 2:

No, you climbed down all of your reindeer.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, sometimes they like to make a ladder themselves.

Speaker 1:

With their antlers.

Speaker 2:

Yes, yes, exactly. Okay, I'll give you that. I was thinking when you were saying about what's in the mince pie. I thought you were just going to leave it at grandma.

Speaker 1:

And then you ruined it by saying special recipe, Because in a mince pie you can have grandma special recipe.

Speaker 2:

So sadly, you don't get a point for that. Oh dear Rudolph's nose is in fact red, so no point there.

Speaker 3:

Yes.

Speaker 2:

You did answer the North Pole first for where you live. So sadly I can't give you that one. You keep your presence in grandma's secret recipe.

Speaker 1:

Do I Apparently? Oh, okay, I think you just refused to tell us with that one, okay.

Speaker 2:

I'm going to give you a bonus point for King Henry VIII because we didn't ask a question, but it was a good answer.

Speaker 3:

So it's always the answer that a pub quiz is always King Henry VIII.

Speaker 2:

Christmas Day is in fact on Jesus' birthday, so I can't give you a point for that. A puff and purling of sleigh yeah, I will give you that. Thank you A puff. And being born on Christmas Day I'll give you that. Is that a repetition? You can do that. Three what? Because that's the puff in, not just a puff in. Okay, and a wise man giving three puffins.

Speaker 1:

He's really trying to get back on the nice list. I'll also give you that Such a wonderful boy.

Speaker 2:

And what do you keep in your sack? Do you have a table microphone in your sack? To be honest with you yes.

Speaker 3:

Because, some boys and girls do ask for a table and a microphone. I, that is on me, boys, I forgot about that that's a good point.

Speaker 2:

Well, in which case you answered seven questions, correct.

Speaker 3:

Ho, ho, ho. What for lucky number seven years. And that's also the amount of reindeer I have, plus plus the other two.

Speaker 1:

Scroll to the doors for the ABC quiz. In last place, sixth Santa Claus seven points. In fifth place Dan Fox and Rachel Bady 10 points. In fourth place, harley Shaw. In third place Joe B and Chloe Driscoll 14 points. In second place Brian 15 points and in first place, mick Dundee with 16 points.

Speaker 2:

Good old Mick Dundee. He's not going to be on the nice list this year, is he?

Speaker 1:

No, when, where, where is he now Santa?

Speaker 3:

Oh, oh, am I meant to be here? Yes, oh, sorry, I thought you were doing a bit with each other. You see, we were um.

Speaker 2:

I've had a lot of Tea, tea, a lot of tea, a lot of tea.

Speaker 1:

So Santa, obviously. What's the first thing you do after Christmas day, when the period is all over? How, what do you do? Do you go on holiday? Do you chill out at home, like what's? What's? What's next for Santa Claus after Christmas?

Speaker 3:

Oh well, well now, uh, jack um, it is I don't know if I should say because I believe the platform we're on now there are other people who will listen.

Speaker 1:

Is that correct? Are you saying you're going to start up your own podcast?

Speaker 3:

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Um, what I'm saying is, I believe you reach tens of people.

Speaker 1:

Yes, potentially true Sometime, many times this year in height.

Speaker 3:

Lovely. So I don't really want to give away my secrets, just in case. But I will tell you, lovely young boys, what I do on.

Speaker 1:

Boxing Day, so that conversation was completely pointless. No, no, no.

Speaker 3:

I would. I would tell you now what. I would tell you what? Just the question.

Speaker 2:

Your voice is going weird, oh yeah, sometimes it does that.

Speaker 1:

So you said you're not going to tell us, in case people listen, but you'll tell us anyway.

Speaker 3:

Yes, of course it's just between rule of data data. I like to go for Boxing Day sales. I like to check out Potter's Savings and book a lovely holiday for the following year.

Speaker 1:

What's your favourite break here at Potter's?

Speaker 3:

Well, in terms of the season, of course, christmas, it must be Christmas.

Speaker 1:

When you're on Resort Centre, what's your favourite thing to do?

Speaker 3:

Well, I like to go to the queue and get myself a lovely free mints pie and a glass of Muldwine, and then I will go and join the back of the queue again and maybe put on a hat and get another.

Speaker 1:

Oh, you're there for the mints pies and free Muldwine, or should I say cups of tea.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, exactly that, and I like to go around again and again and then after that. A lovely start to the festive Christmas break.

Speaker 1:

Are there any activities you'd like to join in? No, I mean, that's the beauty Honesty is the best policy. That's the beauty of it, santa, because you can just relax. You're very busy for the rest of the year, so you might as well relax. And do you join in any quizzes?

Speaker 2:

No, Santa, we are going to have to let you go soon because it is soon Christmas Eve. It's soon time for you to get on your sleigh and ride.

Speaker 3:

Yes, absolutely yes, I do. Yes, I have to climb up the reindeer ladder to my sleigh. Of course, the reindeers are the other ones.

Speaker 1:

Yes, we like to do some quick fire questions beforehand.

Speaker 3:

Lovely. Yes, May I just have another quick Thank you very much.

Speaker 2:

Okay, Santa, what's the last thing you put into Google?

Speaker 3:

All the last thing I put into Google was where to buy some cheap Egyptian cotton sheets, because I knew you two boys were coming to visit me today and we've got a lovely spare room for you and I know the lovely Henry wanted to be nice and comfortable. I see, yes, yes, yes.

Speaker 1:

He refuses to stay anywhere without Egyptian cotton sheets.

Speaker 3:

Exactly, it's the least we could do. Thank you for the spare room.

Speaker 1:

If you were a biscuit, what biscuit would you be?

Speaker 3:

Oh, good question. I think I would be. I think I would just be a hobnob. Why a hobnob? They're just a very robust sort of biscuit and you could do lots of things with them. They're very old now as well. Yes, just got a lot of strength in them. You can rely. They are very reliable, just like me.

Speaker 2:

If you were stuck in a desert island with one Potter's team member, who would it be and why?

Speaker 3:

Well, I would say any of the chefs. I would say yes. Why the chefs? Because they've got a big spoon which would help me a lot.

Speaker 1:

Yes, what would it help you do? The big spoon Eat the dessert. You see, not a dessert island, a desert island.

Speaker 3:

Oh, sorry, sorry. Oh, a desert island. Oh, I see. Well, I would say it would probably be the wonderful Brian. Yes, why Brian? Because what he can do is he can sing beautiful songs, and that will entice all of the sirens and the mermaids to come and rescue.

Speaker 2:

As you see, Don't sirens, kill people.

Speaker 3:

Yes, but that's a risk I'm willing for him to take.

Speaker 1:

Yes, it's like a reverse siren, so the sirens usually singing. So I like that. I like that. If you were given an elephant and you weren't allowed to sell it or give it away, what would you do with the elephant? If you had an elephant but you couldn't get rid of it, what would you do with it?

Speaker 3:

Well, what I would do is if any of the reindeer called the Dasher Dancer Prancing Vixen, cupid, cupid, donner, blitz, and that would ever get ill or just tired, then there is a natural replacement. Imagine if you will on stage. Mr Henry Patterson knows about being on stage and sometimes it does happen. Unfortunately, someone cannot make the show for whatever reason. The technical term, I do believe, is called a slide, no, no, sorry, a swing, a major swing, yes, and what would happen is the. What was the animal? Again An elephant.

Speaker 3:

The elephant could be my swing. Can elephants?

Speaker 1:

fly.

Speaker 3:

Dumbo.

Speaker 1:

I respect. Yeah, I retract that statement.

Speaker 2:

What was the last thing you impulse bought?

Speaker 3:

Oh wonderful, dear O'Day. Well, of course, the last thing I bought was a turkey baster.

Speaker 1:

Are you having anyone round for Christmas dinner then?

Speaker 3:

No.

Speaker 2:

And the final question. It's the most important. The most important question If you had to have Jack or myself stay at the North Pole forever, which one of us would it be, and why?

Speaker 3:

Oh, dearie, dearie, put an old man in a tough spot there, dearie me. Well, I see now, to be honest with you, it wouldn't be up to me, of course, it'd be up to Mrs Claus, and she never, never, lets anyone stay who is on the naughty list. And, as we all know, currently the little boy Jack Jenkins is on the naughty list. So it would, oh no.

Speaker 1:

Henry's on the naughty list. We're both on the naughty list. I thought you took me off the naughty list.

Speaker 3:

So, oh, yes, well, what it would be, of course I will have to ask Mrs Claus, but she would say yes, of course I am. What, hey, hey, we're filming.

Speaker 1:

No, we're not.

Speaker 2:

Oh, we're not filming.

Speaker 1:

We're recording.

Speaker 3:

We're recording the film. Yes, will that? It's pie. Yes, can you top up my tea as well, please? I mean, while they're full? Yes, no, they're not. Oh, the naughty, of course. Oh, yes, we do have a saying here that we should never let anyone stay who is on the naughty list, and as you both know that the lovely Henry Patterson is currently on the naughty list.

Speaker 2:

So why am I staying in the spare room then?

Speaker 3:

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Of course, I would take Jack Jenkins, yes.

Speaker 2:

Well, Jack, I better let you go into your spare room then.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah, I've got to go and try out these.

Speaker 2:

Egyptian cotton sheets, and you're here now for quite some time. I hear. What do you mean? Well, this is it until after the new year. Yeah, well, there we go. It is a yes, it is.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, that's mad you should have thought about that.

Speaker 1:

Well, I just thought, you know, this is a, this is.

Speaker 2:

I've just been so focused on this episode, Indeed, so all that's left for us to say is have a wonderful Christmas and a happy new year and we'll see you in 2024.

Speaker 1:

Bye.

Christmas at the North Pole
Childhood Christmas Memories and Santa Claus
Naughty, Nice, and Childhood Stories
Naughty and Nice List Assessment
The ABC Quiz
Spare Room Arrangements and Future Plans